Searching for Bonnie D. [My Life’s Inspiration]
I have written the following narrative to elucidate that womanly source of an influence, the memory of which has motivated me greatly over the last 50 years, and to extol and to honor a young lady and a family that have had such a decisive influence on my life as to provide aspirations that have propelled me forward and ultimately served to greatly define my character and my life as I have studied to achieve the knowledge and understanding that I share in this blog with all of mankind:
In 1954 I was a 10 year old boy growing up in Hollywood, California. After school I would sometimes attend a weekly church sponsored program for children. The boys attended classes separate from the girls, but there were also combined activities. On one festive occasion we were playing ‘musical chairs’ and I especially noticed a certain girl, perhaps I didn’t know why at the time, but later I came to believe it was due to the way her extraordinary sense of dignity and composure seemed to radiate about her. I did not realize until later the lifelong effect she was to have on me, even though at the time I didn’t even learn her name.
About that time they were preparing the children to present a program at the Sunday evening church services, and since I was the only boy in our ‘trail builder’ class that was cooperative with our teacher, she asked me to sing a song for the program, which I reluctantly agreed to do, as I had never done such a thing previously. Many years later I found a printed program that had been written for that particular evening’s activities which my mother had saved, and behold, there was the name of that girl! But first, let me explain how I was able to even find out who she was.
Apparently the boundaries for the several church organizations were changed, requiring some of the members to attend their group meetings at different times, or else I didn’t continue to attend regularly, I don’t remember, but I never saw the girl after that time. Our family eventually moved to St. Louis, Missouri due to my father’s work [he was an experimental test pilot], and about 2 years after that we moved to Cape Cod, but we always kept our home in the Hollywood Hills, always returning briefly between dad’s assignments, and in 1959 our family finally returned to stay.
On a certain Sunday, soon after our arrival our family attended that same church, and the leader was a very inspiring man named Ludwig T.Dethloff. He and his family were always a warm and lasting example of goodness and a source of inspiration to me. That day when it came time for the members to separate for classes, according to age and interests, I was directed to the room where my age group was assigned, and I went there to wait for class to begin. For a while I was the only one there, but soon a beautiful and enchanting young woman entered therein, and I was overcome and left weak by the effect that her presence had on me. Though perhaps I had always suspected it, it wasn’t until years later that I came to know that she was that same young woman that had been the little girl who had previously impressed me so greatly when I was a boy of 10..
Anyway, fortunately our family was no longer required to travel, so we continued to attend that same church, and I was able to see that young woman every week [I learned that her name was Bonnie], and her image of dignity, composure and spirituality never ceased to intensify in my mind. We both participated in a daily early-morning religion class, after which we attended the same school [John Marshall High School] and I would gradually prevail over the awe in which I held her, at least from time to time, and would try to speak to her, usually resulting in my appearing to be a blabbering imbecile, at least that was the way I felt, no fault of hers.
She seemed to occupy all of my waking thoughts throughout my remaining high school years and I was moved to learn everything I could about her, as she was a source of perpetual fascination . After almost 50 years I still remember her family address [4458 Maplewood] the license plate on her family’s cars [turquoise ’57 Chevy – UGJ2181] [white’60 Olds – UUW976] but my youth and inexperience seemed to leave me impaired when it came to establishing a meaningful relationship with her, and I never really even talked to her on the telephone except for a few times to ask her to go out with me.
Despite my seeming social disability, I was able to ask her out on a date from time to time, but I was too painfully shy and inexperienced to ever get close to her as I would have liked. On our first date I too her to a ‘beat nik’ place off of Hollywood Blvd (I think it was called the Lamplighter) where they played music and she drank a soda while I had a celery tonic. When we left, a funny dialog developed between us. The streets seemed rather empty, and as I didn’t drive yet, I said something like “I hope we can find a cab”, to which she replied, “I’m not worried because I have a brother-in-law who is a police officer”. Then I replied, “Then I have a date with a brother-in-law who is a police officer.”
Well, that didn’t make any sense to her and I failed to understand why, so I felt embarrassed and told her to forget it. In thinking about the problem, I later realized that the whole difficulty was tied up in the different way we were interpreting the word ‘date’. Apparently she was giving it the meaning similar to ‘meeting’ and thought I was saying “then I have a meeting with a brother-in-law who is a police officer”, which is a weird and irrelevant remark, under the circumstances. I could have cleared the whole thing up if I had said it like this, “then I have a date whose brother-in-law is a police officer”. That is just one example of why I had a tendency to keep my mouth shut!!!
On another occasion we went to see the movie ‘Spartacus’ at the Pantages Theater near Hollywood and Vine. That was an emotion-drenched picture starring some great actors, Kirk Douglas and Jean Simmons. Finally I asked her to my senior prom [I graduated before she did] and after the prom we went to an exclusive Japanese restaurant on the Sunset Strip, called Imperial Gardens. After we dined I took her home and I kissed her for the first and only time. But that kiss took me to euphoria, and for me was the kiss to last a lifetime.
I was working and saving my money and Bonnie soon graduated and went to college out of state and I should have gotten her address and written to her and told her how I felt, but I didn’t. Such a letter might have made all the difference in our lives, but perhaps it was not the time. While she was away at college I was sent to Mexico for 2 years and during the second year [1965] I received an announcement of her wedding. I don’t know who sent it or why they would have gone to the trouble to find my address in Mexico and have sent it there, as I really didn’t have much to do with her family or her, as I had not seen her for several years. But I have often wondered about that.
In fact, over the many years that I had not seen her, Bonnie continued to be always at the back of my thoughts as a perpetual font of inspiration to me, and I always had the unspoken conviction that she was somehow meant to be with me. However, when I got the wedding announcement I thought that was the end of that and I dismissed her from my mind, or so I thought. The truth is that my relationship with her has never ended, as over the years she has often haunted my dreams.
Sometimes I would be going places and looking for her and sometimes I would see her, but there always seemed to be obstacles between us, keeping us apart and I could never quite get close enough to talk to her. But then one day we found ourselves talking together at her house, and that was a major sign of progress for me, and I woke up feeling elated! But last night [August 28, 2009] I was with her again and I explained to her for the first time the entire history of my feelings for her and she put her arms around me and I awoke with the idea that I must create this blog about us called ‘Searching for Bonnie D.’ and if she is really meant to be for me then she will somehow find it and respond. Until then I’ll keep on waiting and dreaming, as I have done my entire life. After all, we have all of the eternities to resolve the matter, and eternity is what life is really about!
